Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.