Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
this has to be peak English
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.