Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
You Might Also Like
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end