My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.