Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*