The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.