I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Shoo shoo! 😂
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.