Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…