Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard