Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Choose your fighter
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.