Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
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[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.