[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
You Might Also Like
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
what could possibly go wrong?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”