(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
i’m still crying at this
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister