me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
the answer was staring at me all along
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”