4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training