Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls