Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Tier 3 meme
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.