Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*