[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.