Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
You Might Also Like
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.