When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.