Rambo Rambow
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
i love modern commerce
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy