“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand