– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Bill is short for Billiam
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: I really need to save money
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