me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Jail
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.