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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible