Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
HR said no more nunchucks.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg