I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
You Might Also Like
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
This forever.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.