Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
canadian assassins are called killergrams
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.