Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
More like Kate Missington.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
lol
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍