I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM