Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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Fixed this for Shakespeare
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
This is my favorite one of these!
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.