Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”