Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
there has never been a better use of this meme
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂