Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
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i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
apparently this year was written by stephen king
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]