I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*