Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
When you kidnap a writer.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My new favorite headline
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull