89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”