Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?