Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You Might Also Like
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.