Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
she has a point
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.