7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
😲 WTF? 😆
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.