screw you
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Ha.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)