Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.