Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Spotted in New Orleans.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.