Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”