*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
You Might Also Like
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.