I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh