I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.