me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Not today, today.
Not today.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.